Some Thoughts on Polyamory

A snippet from a conversation I'm having over on OKC...

The thing of it is, I don't think connecting with a person and wanting to preserve that connection is the same thing as territorialty. And I don't think wanting to be valued by a person is so much jealousy. The only time it crosses into either of those is when one gets the idea that they have the right to dictate where another goes or who another interacts with.

I'm not talking about not depending on others, or not being intimate. Who doesn't crave both of those things? Groups of polyamorous individuals are often called "families" for a reason. It's just that they're not conventional in this culture, and, like many unconventional things, it is seen in a bad light.

I just don't see how one can claim to love a living, breathing, intelligent being and then treat them like less than one, even a little bit. A person doesn't have to be made into an object to be depended upon. Frankly, I find the opposite to be true. The more one dehumanizes a person, the less happy they will be, and the less dependable in the long run. Even if it's something small, if it's just accepted as normal, it can gradually build up until one's unhappiness is too great for the situation to be allowed to continue. Why else do you suppose the divorce rate is so high?

And actually, so far as serious studies of species go, monogamy is generally considered to be a social construct in humans, from what I've read. It's in a minority, when one looks at history and various cultures. At best, I think it is not nature, but a choice, and I have experienced nothing indicating that it is a more natural or noble choice than polyamory.

The mistake many people make, when they think of poly, is to confuse it with swinging. (I'm not knocking swinging, as I've met nice swingers, but the two are different.) The heart of poly is in its name. Poly=many, amor=love. It is the acceptance of having more than one beloved individual in one's life, and acknowledging the freedom to express that love as one sees fit.

Yes, there will be some who are valued more than others, and values change, but that's simply a universal fact. As the world changes, so do the best attributes for living in it. As we change, so do the attributes of the best partner or partners for us.

The only time this becomes a problem is when one believes that their value as a person is proportionate to their value to a specific person. In my opinion and experience, that's not a very healthy or realistic view to have. Change is the way of the world. Again, look at the divorce rate. People change, and when they change enough it becomes necessary move on. I think the only reason it wasn't always this way was because they were afraid of the repurcussions of a disapproving society. Certainly, some people find a person they'd be happy with all their lives, but I don't think it's the norm, or necessarily better. Really, it all comes down to the individual, and them finding out what actually works for them, rather than what people say "should" work for them.